I was awoken abruptly at 3am with the worst headache I had ever experienced in my life. I could barely make it down the hallway to my parents bedroom, to ask for help. A few minutes later, I was in the car with my Dad, on my way to the hospital.
38 weeks pregnant,in pain,single, scared to death..I had anticipated the arrival of my first baby. A boy. I had already decided to name him Landon. Ever since I was 17, I somehow knew in my heart that my first child would be a boy and it was then, that I chose his name.
Here I was, 25 years old and my dream was about to become my bittersweet reality. I just never envisioned things going down like this.
While laying in the hospital bed, in and out of sleep from the steady stream of magnesium the doctor had flowing through my veins, I was still unprepared mentally, for what I was about to do. I knew he was coming, eventually. All I could feel was nausea and fear. The fear was consuming. It was all that I could focus on. The doctor on call had diagnosed me with preeclampsia,and he had the nurses inform me that I needed to deliver Landon that day.
After the first few rounds of pitocin, and no progression with my labor, things weren't looking good. I remember feeling pain, physically. Yet I was numb, emotionally. It had been about 10 hours, and looking back, I know that my overwhelming fear, was keeping my body from doing it's job. The fear of the unknown, combined with the fear of knowing that my life would never be the same.
The last attempt at induction led to stronger contractions, and sudden bleeding. They had to take him via C-Section right away. That was the only way. It's like my body was holding on to him, as long as possible. My heart, mind and body were working against what nature had intended. I didn't want to let go of this baby. He was still mine inside my womb. I could carry him with me, a while longer. But, it was no longer ideal for him to remain there.
After the successful surgery, I saw his skinny little body being carried to be cleaned and prepped. I heard his tiny little cries. I cried with him. He personified perfection.
Landon and I spent 5 heavenly days together. I held him almost constantly, I rarely slept, I cried only a little. The reality wasn't something I was fully comprehending. I had never loved anyone or anything more than I loved this beautiful boy, and it was because of my unconditional love, I knew what needed to be done. I didn't have a doubt....at the time.
The night before the scheduled placement with Landon's adoptive parents, I had a sudden change of heart. Sleep deprived, medicated, and hormonal, I went into my parents bedroom and broke the news to my Dad that I could not go through with it. My father listened to me, he counseled me just a little and then, as almost as my last hope, he offered me a blessing.
The next day came, I was feeling the peace I had longed to feel, as I went to meet with the adoptive family.
It was a beautiful and sacred experience, one that is so special in heart, that I won't share the details.
All I will share is, I knew they were placed in my life by God, to be my son's family. I knew that before I delivered Landon, and even when I placed him in their arms.
7 years later, and I still miss my first born son. Mostly on his birthday, and Mother's Day. I still cry over the "loss" of a child, but like I mentioned earlier, it was bittersweet.
The day I became a Mom, was not the day I became a Mother. Landon has a mother, a loving, funny, kind, smart, thoughtful, wonderful mother. He has an equally amazing Dad and now, 3 siblings. His life is rich and full of love. That was my one hope for him; that he would always be and feel loved. And I know, without a doubt, that I made the best choice for my baby. I wouldn't change a thing.
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| Landon, Age 2 |
To all the women who are mothers, are waiting to be, have been, and who are currently: Motherhood is a truly sacred calling in life. Nothing you will ever do, will compare to the joy or challenges that motherhood brings.
If you are BLESSED enough to be a mother, cherish everyday, even if you can only find a moment or two on those especially hard days. Cherish the hugs, the cuddles, the moments that require a band aid or the special "mommy kiss" that can heal all wounds, the nights of interrupted sleep, and the opportunity you have to look into their eyes each day, and see the love they have for you. Just take the time to truly cherish Motherhood.
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| Jack and Ari, '13 |
Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful, fearless, tireless, selfless Mother's out there.
